Opening scene Richard Greico plays Loki but no green jumpsuit with big yellow horns. Nope. Marvel’s Thor this is not. Loki, whose hard-living induced wrinkles betray his Eddie Money tapes on the ’83 ‘vette cracked leather buckets, cocaine binge with strippers named Courtney and Heather from Gainesville, FL. Like Satan, six-times divorced, utterly despised, sustaining on Marlboro reds and corner store coffee. From “hell” he opens the earth and commences to kicking ass, throwing firebombs, incinerating hot chicks that can literally blow him, while three massive, agile stone dogs tear ass all over these people we’ve never seen or know anything about.
There’s something appealing to this opening. The writers may have intended us to see “evil” in Richard Greico’s character and “good” in the most vanilla sense in these village people, but the lack of depth plays both ways. Maybe those people deserved it. Maybe that dude has stress fractures on his personality because these people didn’t like his kind. Maybe it would be more interesting if they gave us some of his transformation.
The Odin character constantly reminds me of Kenny Rogers. The older brother can’t act his way out of a wet paper bag—but there is the slightest suggestion that, because the young Thor is told to stay behind “to finish the fight” (which is up to this point, the best line in this p.o.s.), while Odin and Baldamir exchange a pre-battle, fight-to-the-death oath, Odin and Baldamir must have killed other men together. Show those battles. Hint at them with a well-timed flashback. Make texture with that thread.
So the three jump into battle—despite Thor just being told moments ago to stay behind, they kill all three stone dogs. Thor kills one then passes out after killing it—maybe he got a face full of paw, but the dogs seemed to have forgotten to use their mouths and bite these mutherfuckers in half. Odin confirms with Baldamir they they have indeed lost Thor. They scratch their heads. From my perspective, Thor is about 20 feet from them laying down next to the dog he just sliced open, but these two, Father and Brother, family soldiers, the tightest bond before cockfighting, don’t seem concerned enough to call his name or maybe look around a little bit.
Odin and Loki yell each other’s names. It’s on. This is some goofy shit. Loki gets knocked down. Odin, or Viking Jesus, is definitely stronger, but Loki knocks him in his man nuggets with his crystal ball—speaking of cockfighting. It’s a streetfight. Odin has what appears to be an Aryan Nation prison tattoo on his right forearm. I wonder if we’ll see it again. And his beloved sons are nowhere to be seen. Wtf? If it were my brother getting beat up, no doubt I’d be fighting dirty. But not his two sons. Well, Baldamir at least. What’s Baldamir’s problem anyway? He doesn’t feel any urgency in finding Thor, nor does he see fit to step in and finish Loki—whose only motivation appears to be raw ambition fed by anger. Why wouldn’t you finish it?
Loki tricks Odinn into killing Baldamir, then he kills Odin. Oh jesus, Thor comes running over yelling “nooo..noooo”. It sounds pathetic and whiney. The girl who saves Thor from Loki has a Spanish accent. She’s hot, too. One of those stone dogs is still alive and tracking the two. O.k., they just jumped through a “portal” to … “a training camp protected by a powerful wizard” and they need to go to the secret tree of life to get the … oh, whatever. Loki already trashed the place. A bunch of obscure rules of play get established. None of it really matters as this will run into its afterschool message like a dumptruck into heard of cows. Something about a destroyed portal but they still have to get to the tree of life.
Thor can’t act either. She tries to comfort him WHILE HIS CASTLE BURNS that because there are flowers growing, “there is hope”. I just swallowed some of my own vomit.
They throw down the “hammer of invincibility” and run through yet another portal and end up in Detroit? This just took an unexpected turn. It’s actually a Disney movie now. Clean mugger brutalizing a girl. Thor fucks him up. They’re stronger—like this earth has different gravity. She has a lair in some L.A. warehouse filled with guns. A 5 minute tutorial and Thor now carries a 9mm. Loki finds his way over. He’s kinda psychic—picks up on their past actions like a bloodhound. Sticks his hand out and psychically examines the inside of her lair, sees something of value.
The pair are looking for the Tree of life. About 2 shots later, they’re in a hallway, feeling on a wall and “concentrating on a gateway”. Surprise, another portal opens to a rock tunnel. Beating. A heartbeat like a kettle drum. Tunnel leads to the tree of life. He (for some reason) “must do this alone”. Apparently he goes through another portal. It’s raining. He’s inside a castle, but with car parts hanging on the walls. He’s in a dual with a fully armored knight. Nice armor. No clear objective. No idea why they are fighting. The guy just came out of nowhere and started swinging. Thor cuts him down. Apparently three days is enough to make you a seasoned warrior. Maybe skill level increases with portal jumps.
At any rate, we’re so far beyond ridiculous, it’s just inexcusable that this ever got the green light. He approaches the Tree of Life—we hear Kenny Rogers speak again: “The hammer, Thor, it’s for you. TAKE IT!” Thor says some cheesy prayer about destruction from destruction and the FX guys get paid.
Thor and the Norse-Latina demi-god have a lovers’ spat about Loki. He’s right around the corner. They meet. Loki blows dirt in Thor’s eyes. She cuts his hand off. He grows it back but doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about getting the Hammer of Invincibility (hereon referred to as THOI) even though he sees Thor holding it.
Loki tries pulling a mind-trick on Thor—which seems to work until she takes 2 seconds to talk him out of it. Loki appears and disappears. Thor swings wildly, accidently knocking down a building. There’s a Honda CRV parked behind them as Thor swings and misses. She’s flattering him, so he goes in for the “you have my heart, blashsa (or whatever her name is)” She then counsels him on becoming the most powerful man in the universe. He does the bloodhound trick Loki did earlier.
Loki appears and asks politely for it. He pulls out his sword instead. Another renaissance festival demonstration, with some wires. Thor kicks his ass, takes his bone wand. Greico starts freaking out and promising there’s no Ragnarok and everything’s o.k. Then he disappears. Thor boasts how he’s killed Loki while wielding the bonestick. A trash truck takes a corner behind them while the camera man tries to shift the shot a few degrees. Fuck taking the shot over again. She warns about the evils of having that staff, but since Loki told him it holds the key to bringing back his brother and father, he won’t let it go.
She warns him to destroy it and makes him swear on his father’s blood that he won’t go anywhere while she goes somewhere—probably to get some cock. He summons Loki back while trying to get his family back. She shows up and pops several caps in Loki’s ass. One between the eyes. But Loki is “already dead” according to himself.
She reads young Thor the riot act. She could be his mom. That’s kinda hot in that California, fucked up way. Loki pulls two dogs out of the pavement and they commence to …
Thor and Latina Viking walk dwon another alley. She draws a circle on the painted brick. He looks ridiculous sauntering with that goofy caveman hammer wobbling beside him. LV makes him open a portal with the hammer then proclaims that he’s the greater god and she supplicates before him. He orders her to go through the portal—against her wishes. Loki shows up with a dog. They all commence to kicking ass—Loki versus Thor. LV versus a stone dog. Thor fires an uzi at Loki but pulls an A-Team and shits nothing. Loki does the exact same thing, but manages to hit Thor. LV kills the dog and then puts a sword through Loki’s mouth. They jump through a portal. Loki grabs LV’s ankle—despite the fact she went through first. Loki somehow reached past Thor to her. Loki pulls her back, taunts her, then almost kills her. Thor drinks a magic potion on his neck and opens the portal back—just enough time to say goodbye. But she’s really Loki in disguise. Two entirely different stone dogs splatter some decent folk against walls (one of the few nice touches on this). Apparently the CGI department switched mid-film and started from scratch. They probably didn’t give over the originals, or the files were incompatible or something…
So Thor is now stuck behind in Detroit, with Loki and at least two (new) stone dogs. He gets his ass pummeled into a wall by Loki (who now has THOI), and finds himself in the classic Jesus pose next to his supposedly dead new girlfriend/combat trainer. They’re having a heart-to-heart. He’s crying about how he failed. To her, then to his father. She calls him her king and is screen blowing him, verbally dry-humping him. Loki, who now sounds more like Richard Greico than he has up until now, taunts Thor. Thor talks some mythical trash to Loki. Loki’s like “check it” and opens the ground to hell, pulling down LV. Then he’s like, “Now I’m gonna wreck the Tree of Life. How you like them apples?” Then he shoves Thor down to what looks like Hawaiian lava flows. LV’s voice still trying to suck his metaphorical cock but she’s dead. The dogs make Detroit look like Detroit. Thor is playing with a ball of lava like a crystal ball. Loki opens a portal to the Tree of Life tunnel. It’s just one fucking thing after another.
Loki quickly dispenses of the knight in cool armor protecting the tree of life. Loki punches the tree’s button and everything dies. Don’t know what kind of sense that makes at all, at all, but everything begins rapid decay: earth, sea, the moon. But fear not, a portal will bring it all back, probably. Now shit’s going global: cities crumble. Even if they kill Loki now, it doesn’t look like there’s much hope for anyone for anything resembling a bright future. Media breaks in with global responses to the destruction.
We see the old stone dog facing off some airforce clowns. Greico raises his bonestaff and yells “RAGNAROK!” Shit starts ‘sploding. Hard. People are running, cars flipping violently like you see from hurricane videos. Then, from nowhere, Thor stands in front of Loki with a more prop-made hammer. Loki beat the shit outta the kid but doesn’t seem to do much to him. Now we see Thor’s muscles—he’s been eating his protein shakes. Loki knocks him through a couple buildings, into space. No amount of beating even makes him bleed. Thor comes back, gives Loki a lecture, then hits him so hard, Loki disintegrates and the dogs get scared and flee back into the ground. The Tree of Life just starts back up. No explanation. No reason. Apparently, the metal hammer of Thor is more powerful than THOI of his father. Now he faces the fates.
They try to degrade him, but he smashes their “carefully woven fabric” and they are none-too-happy about it. I like the final message—that we make our own fate. But damn, they could’ve just said that and saved me the agony of realizing how shallow the entertainment business is.
In the final analysis, this is just shallow Christianity dressed up as even shallower Norse mythology. Kenny Rogers looks like Jesus–but since he’s the “Dad,” he’s obviously God. The young Thor is then Jesus. His brother–a narrative consequence of blending the two stories. At any rate, the young Thor, a.k.a. Jesus, does battle with a powerful force from hell–one who appears to be commanding the daemons from the depths. Surprise, surprise, Jesus wins! Who would’ve guessed?